Tuesday, September 07, 2010
#7. Brach's Jelly Nougats--"nougat--a chewy or brittle candy containing almonds or other nuts and sometimes fruit." This plasticky, white concoction has nothing resembling almonds or nuts, and the colored spots certainly aren't fruit. (They make me think of Dr. Suess' book "Put Me In The Zoo," where the yellow thing with the red spots ends up in the circus.) This stuff is artificially flavored, but what flavor is a mystery.
#6. Assorted Hard Candy--also known as "Granny Candy," this stuff is usually sitting out in a glass dish so long that it all sticks together into one hard clump. This is the Mad Dog 20/20 of candy, which is why it's known as hard candy. Duh.
#5. Jujubes--contains more waxy plastic flavor than actual flavor, this stuff is usually stale, tough, and guaranteed to pull out a filling if you're dumb enough to actually eat it. It could conceivably be used as playground cover, since it's usually found covering movie theater floors.
#4. Gum Drops--Barely tolerable (if there's no other candy around), another staple of your grandmother's sitting room with little flavor and lots of artificial stuff. The last ones to go are always the white ones, since, to a child, clove-flavor is only marginally better than broccoli-flavor.
#3. Peeps--I just never, ever, understood the appeal of these things. I like marshmallows, but the foamy, sticky crap these are made from tastes nothing like marshmallow, and to top it off, they coat it in some sort of powder that tastes like sand. And the colors they come in are unnatural, at best. They now have "chocolate" peeps, which look like little piles of manure, and probably taste like manure--sticky, sweet, chocolatey manure.
#2. Pink Lozenges--they didn't even try to make these appealing. Chalky, pink disks of sugar. Flavored with pepsin. They look, smell, and taste just like Pepto-Bismol, but without the diarrhea-conquering power.
#1. Circus Peanuts--WTF? Is it peanut-flavor? No. Is it crunchy like a peanut? No. Do they make you think of the circus? No. Unidentifiable flavor, unpleasant texture, and way too sweet, these always-stale turds of the candy world have to be some candy-making Mad Scientist's idea of a joke. Even a kid who hadn't had a sweety in months would think twice about eating these. Honestly, I'd rather eat liver or Rocky Mountain oysters than this lame excuse of a candy.
Best candy ever, you ask? Easy.
Zotz! Hands down. Zotz! are not only tangy and yummy, they explode in your mouth like a candy orgasm! Completely awesome. They taste like summer at the little league ball park.